burdei blooz
12-02-03.11:45

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having burdei blues....i don't wanna go to work and people aknowledge it's my burdei. so i think i'm taking sunday and monday off this week with pay then the rest of the sundays in december off. i don't mean to be a cold hearted scrooge but when christmas time comes and the malls keep playing old christmas carols i get sad. i mentioned the reasons of my psychotic actions before but if haven't read it its because my mother would dictate every action i can or can't do during this time what presents to open and how to react or i would be evil and not appreciative of christmas blah blah blah...how sad! >__<'

but since i met ryan things have been better he rescued me from being a mass murderer from childhood trauma. we don't have a christmas tree cause we can't afford one. we'll buy presents cause we want to give and it doesn't have to be on time for christmas day. i don't have to eat christmas cookies we can have pizza. he wakes up christmas morning and kisses me and looks at me making me feel like i'm the best present he could ever have. he was raised right and i wasn't cause i'm a wreck.

a friends' girlfriends grandmother is terminally ill. and everyday the doctor says she won't make it the next day.

july 1995 my grandma got really sick. i think it started from a cold and then a fever and then she couldn't get up. my grandma who raised me since i was 2 she was always with us when we were in portsmouth, kodiak, barstow and the recent years i went to school in the philippines. we'd make coolaide together. i nurtured from her more than my mother. i was her favorite grandchild even i wasn't the oldest. i was the youngest. whenever she'd go to the store i would always have something. she cried with me when my dad left. she gave me a sense of hope when i thought at age 7 i could go out and look for my dad with 20 pesos. she took me out looking for him but we couldn't find him of course. i always slept on her bed. she gave me my first dog 'missy' my mut. at night we'd sit out in the porch and talk and she'd make coffee. she would hide my report card from my mom. she would sing to me at night. "besa me mucho" all this through out the years i was with her since age 2 to 15 and more she was there for me. 'smiles' i used to sneak her ice cream that she wasn't allowed to have cause of her diabetes. but it made her happy and she always told me you only live once. what is living if you can't live. she also taught me when someone steps on you or steals from you let them cause it doesn't bother you and maybe they needed that to make them feel better but i don't cause i'm stronger. she always told me to be more patient and quiet.

she knew about my boyfriends and met them years before my parents did. i'd have my friends over and we'd be practicing a dance number for a show in school or a concert at montano hall she always loved to watch me. she taught me how to be good and kind. she has a heart i want to have. she took me to my elemantary graduation....and i could go on and on infinitely....but this year she was hospitalized and supposedly from her diabetes her heart was having complications. i don't know what was wrong with her nor do i know if the doctors in the philippines really knew what was wrong with her or if they wanted to help her. but i remember seeing her having a hardtime breathing. they stuck a tube in her nose and in her throat to breathe and eat. she was medicated through and iv. and after a week like that in the hospital she woke up and was strong so the doctors said we could take her home but don't count on it cause when someone is about to die they have their last strength and can do that cause the doctor said according to how sick she really was she shouldn't even be sitting up and talking the way she did. i talk to her for the last time that night and she was laughing and smiling not really saying anything just looking around and eating jello. i held her hand afraid i might pull something and stroked her head saying she's gonna get better. it's her birthday and i bought her fuzzy slippers. the next morning we took her home but she hasn't woken up. we had one of those folding hospital beds at home ready for her, oxygen tanks, and the brown sauce substance that we had to push down the tube in her throat for meals together with some pills to mix in it and injections to put through the IV. it only lasted a couple of weeks. one time i caught her staring at the altar and that would be the one time i saw her with her eyes open but i was wacthing her pray and as i looked into her eyes it didn't seem like she was there anymore and that night she died. lita called me from upstairs where i was ready to go to bed and she whispered to me so my mom wouldn't hear that she thinks grandma stopped breathing. i felt cold and shaken all over but no one else was gonna do it. i got the stethoscope and placed it in my heart and i heard my own heart beat. i placed it on her chest and i couldn't hear anything, nothing in her stomach, nothing in her heart. felt her pulse on her wrist and neck thinking this feels like a dream. we stood there and looked at her for a while. i touched her forehead and it was cold and her whole body was getting colder and colder. i called my mom and told her and the whole family found out that night. i was glad that i played a big part because during her being bedridded i was the one giving her her medication, meal through a tube, changing her IV and oxygen tank. at 15 believe it or not i can do it. in the back of my head i knew i couldn't cure her but this is what i had to do during her last days and i am honored to have been there the way i was. lita my cousin was the one cleaning her changing her and i did the others.

the week later during grandma's wake my dad came back into my life...

so my point is i know how this friends friend could feel even more. and when i heard how upset they were i got upset too. i miss grandma. she always gave me the motherly words i needed to hear. 'sigh' she gave me support and guidance. she taught me so much she's probably the only reason why my heart is still has kindness.

back to burdei blues. last year ryan took me out to eat, we took studio pix and he bought me stuff from BEBE. this year he gave me money first but i spent it on jhosue's toys and i bought him something. so he got mad. he had some more money and yesterday he took me to the fashion show mall. we had philly cheesesteaks and pretzels. he wanted to buy my this coach purse. he said something he saw in their fall catalog. heheh. and i wanted it but i told him i wanted sicily by dolce gabana the perfume. so he bought me that i was gonna settle fo j lo's still but it was $40 and he was like you can buy that anythime the sicily was $80. so i got that and some fresh chanel mascarra. i'm happy i took the bottle of perfume with me to work yesterday, just cause.

ryan's burdei i wasn't there but i heard it was a blast. everyone was drunk and bayaw was fishing. heheh. i know they had fun. but ryan was like i wish you were here. but in no way they would let me home that day being thanksgiving weekend and a black out day. i was in a rotation they didn't need but i had to stay.

the highroller is closed for the following three weeks for yearly maintenance. yup, it's gonna be really dead at work for the next month. hence, the pto's on sundays. wow. i talk too much.

it's about 1230 pm ryan's getting a haircut in chinatown and i'm about to buy some bubble tea over there. how exciting!!! 'jumps around' hmmm i sound happy. i hope i really am happy. sorry about the template still thinking and working....

here's my latest work posted in postpoems:

night sybolizes the end of a day

winter also the finale of time in years

the dark skies cover the beginning and the existing

all is tired and it's time for sleeping

let me make it up to you and don't think i wasn't listening

let me hold you and feel what you're feeling

i care so much about you

let me be in your shoes

what is lost can always be found

what is broken can always mend

what is wrong can always be forgiven

to mourn is to be human

the light that flckers at the end of the night

can still shine and be a guiding light

spring is born from winter to bring a new bloom

morning fills the night that seemed so gloom

as the change of tide tumbles

as the thunder and lightning rumbles

i will be by your side at all times

your heartache is mine

your heartache is mine.

<<-.->>