wildflower
10-27-03.02:05

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dang what was i thinking today?! i can't believe i almost lost my job over something stupid. i can't believe i was that vulnerable a while ago. 'taking deep breaths' it's so hard to be me. do people seriously think i enjoy always having to defend myself from people trying to step on me in every possible way they can? and right now i'm up to the point where i'm giving up even fighting back. i thought i could handle it by lessening my output, isolating myself blah blah blah. and when i am doing these things people dont believe that i can actually hold my temper. that's probably one of my fears right now. that them knowing me would not believe me taking a non-violent action.

i was talking to a friend about these issues and he said just be like me, i'm a lover not a fighter. and i thought to myself that day-yeah 'ping!' why fight when i can write! and as dumb as it may sound having that mentality could save me much.

i can't believe i was almost unemplyed tomorrow. oh my gosh i was sitting in that room doing one of those prayers i do when i know my mom is gonna kick my ass. oh my God! i'm still in shock. i felt so helpless and regretful. despite the whole situtation didnt come from me i wish i was able to hold my temper and suck it in even it offended me. cause if this person gets canned i don't want that carriage on my shoulders. i don't enjoy seeing other people suffer, nor do i ever want to be responsible of anyones misfortune. i may seem like a cold-hearted bitch to most people but those who really know me know i'm actually not what i appear to be. heheh. so much for patting myself on the back.

from now on i'm isolated and numb.

'wiping eyes'

i can't believe i almost lost my job, the job that was gonna help me get into my career, the job my mother in law help me get, the job that helps my husband pay for the bills, the job that my son depends on for his toys and clothes, the job that i hate to admit but actually enjoy going to. i can't believe. nothing is worth loosing this job for me right now. or i'd go back to pussycats. just kiding. ;)

i'm so tired of defending myself, fighting for myself, over things i didn't deserve. i used to get beaten by my mother when i was 8 cause my dad left. but my mom was so mad at my dad and since i'm a carbon copy of him she used to take the liberty to release her frustrations on me. i have the scars to prove so. then everything surfaces to what a wreck i really am. my grandma who's been there said when i was about 14 before she died that my mom is lucky i still turned out to be as sweet and caring as i am. ok so when i say i have high tolerance for pain it's cause i've been hit in the head with the inside of a rice cooker, frying pans ,hangers, shoes, i've been choked, pinched and scratched, i have been hit in my back, thighs and arms with yard sticks, tripods, and 2 by 2's. plus i had two kids so yeah. i know i should'nt be making these things public cause i feel bad it looks like my mom is a bad person or i'm asking for pitty. so to get this straight. sometimes when the world is pretty much slipping like this for me i need to talk about things and this is me being my own doctor. so blah blah blah. i feel the magnitude of my messed up life right now and i dont like it. its disturbing to my inner peace. 'smirks'

this is never gonna happen again. i will never feel that vulnerable again. i will never feel like this again. i dont like it so i will do evrything and anything to prevent it from happening by rethinking actions before executing.

on the brighter side-yes there is a brighter side. me and ryan went out last friday to gameworks and we finished house of dead 3 in 40 minutes. i swear i died like 50 times. we took sticky pix. played basketball and that hockey goal thing. we were supposed to watch scary movie 3 but i also wanted to watch untolerable cruelty. ryan knows when i get undecided we need to skip it all and do something else. i had so much fun that night. my arms are still sore from reloading the gun for house of dead.

today he went out with his friends to see texas chainsaw massacre. so here i am waiting for him to come home.

Wildflower

Color Me Badd

ALBUM · Time & Chance (1993)

She’s faced the hardest times you could imagine.

And many times her eyes fought back the tears.

And when her youthful world was about to fall in

Each time her slender shoulders,

Bore the weight of all her fears.

And the sorrow no one hears,

Still rings in midnight silence

In her ears...

Chorus

Let her cry, for she’s a lady

Let her dream, for she’s a child

Let the rain fall down upon her

She’s a free and gentle flower, growing wild

And if by chance that I should hold her,

Let me hold her for a time

And if allowed but one possession,

I will pick her from the garden to be mine.

Mine....

Be careful how you touch her, for she’ll awaken

And sleep's the only freedom that she knows

And when you walk into her eyes, you won’t believe

The way she’s always payin,

For a debt she never owes

And the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,

And so she goes....

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